morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Dignity is for republicans.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I'm way too hungover for life right now
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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