Sponge bath it is.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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