eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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