So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize