I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
