how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
