ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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