So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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