Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Randomize
