I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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