I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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