I wanna bring you to show and tell
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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