She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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