piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
