1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
