By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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