soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
