All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize