I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
