its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
