I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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