i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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