party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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