I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
