awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
