Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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