I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
