Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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