why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
