I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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