3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
It's like God shit irony all over that family
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
