I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
