I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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