I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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