after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
