Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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