Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
