Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize