Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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