i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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