Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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