Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
