Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
