textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize
