After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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