I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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