i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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