I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
