He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
