I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
where does the pee come out of this thing
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
