If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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