dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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