moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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