I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
two words: eviction party
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Randomize
