just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
