I got chris browned last night
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
