Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Sober January is a disaster.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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