New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
birth control should be required to get into college
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Randomize
