I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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