and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
