Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
